Our Best Tips For Great Parenting Teamwork

Have you ever started a conversation with your spouse/partner about a parenting decision and left feeling confused and discouraged? Maybe it went something like this…

You talked to another mom at the park yesterday, and she mentioned that she recently potty-trained her toddler in just a few days. Of course that got you thinking that you should probably potty-train your child too, but you feel overwhelmed by the idea. You’ve looked at a couple articles on how to potty-train. Some tell you to wait for your child’s signs of readiness. Others say that readiness is a myth and parents should determine when to potty-train. At the same time, you have a packed schedule for the next couple months and your toddler screams when you attempt to put him on the toilet.

Then, your husband gets home, and you try to bring up your dilemma at the dinner table. You are interrupted about fifty times by your children making requests and loudly sharing their own stories from the day. Your husband thinks the answer is simple. Now isn’t the right time for potty-training. But you feel guilty for not prioritizing it. You wonder if you just need to do more research. Maybe you haven’t found the perfect method that would fit into a busy schedule and convince your toddler to sit on the potty chair. The decision continues to hang over your head. In this situation, talking to the other parent didn’t help you come to a conclusion you can both feel good about. This situation may be a smaller decision, but the communication and decision-making patterns formed in the daily decisions will play out in the very important decisions too.

How can you become a collaborative, strong parenting team to make decisions that are best for your children? We have a few ideas on how to intentionally develop your partnership and agree on responsibilities and roles for family life.

Please Note:

We recognize that parents and families are unique and individual. The goal of this post is to address possible challenges for families where two parents are working together to raise children. At the same time, aspects of this post may still be relevant to single parents. If it does not seem useful or helpful for your parenting approach, feel free to skip to another blog post that will be more directly applicable (like Prioritizing Parenting Decisions)! We hope to provide relevant, useful, and applicable information to help you approach your parenting decisions with confidence, whatever your situation might be.

Getting the Conversation Started

If you want to have a productive conversation around decision making, we’d suggest scheduling a time when you won’t be interrupted. Put it on the calendar to give both partners a chance to mentally prepare and start thinking about the topic. Maybe you can put the kids to bed and sip on a favorite beverage, or maybe it’s the topic for your next date night out.

It is also a good idea to define the scope of the conversation ahead of time. In the potty-training example above, maybe you are generally satisfied with how you two make decisions, but you just want to talk about this specific situation. Or it may be the tip of the iceberg of a larger discontentment or difference of opinion. This may be worth a bigger-picture conversation about how you split the decision making responsibilities. If this is the first time you have actually sat down and talked about decision making, it would be a good time to review the whole process to make sure you are both on the same page.

How Do You Describe Your Teamwork?

After settling into a comfortable environment, you can start the conversation by talking about what your parenting teamwork looks like now and in an ideal world.

Current Agreements

First, take an assessment of your parenting and teamwork right now. What agreements do you already have in place? From your point of view, does one of you make most of the parenting decisions currently? Are you both happy with the balance of decision making? If not, which areas of parenting need to change? Are you satisfied with your level of open communication around decision making? As a team, how is your problem solving?

Often, establishing these agreements happens without explicit discussion or intentionality. In this case, it’s so easy to have unrealistic expectations and to feel angry with your partner for not helping you. Instead, recognize and be grateful for the ways you are helping each other successfully. Then, take this opportunity to express your needs calmly and clearly. You have a common goal of raising your children well, and by communicating effectively, you can help each other become the kind of parents you want to be.

Season of Life and Parenting

What season of life and parenting are you in? If you are new parents, you may not know exactly what your team parenting will look like, but start with a plan and adjust as needed! If you are about to shift into a new season (having a baby, a new job/career, kids starting school, etc), are any changes needed? Does it make sense to swap who makes certain decisions? Do you need a healthier balance to take weight off of one parent?

Individual Strengths and Weaknesses

What strengths do each of you bring? What valuable skills or unique perspective make you the parent you are? What parts of parenthood do you enjoy more or less? How can you find ways for both of you to parent out of your strengths? Do either of you have a preference for doing decision making research yourself or for supporting whatever the other parent decides?

Coming To New Agreements

With all this in mind, how should you divide up the decision making and the practical needs of daily life? Let’s go back to the opening example of potty-training. Here’s one possible outcome:

You have no problem with how other decisions are made in the family – it’s just this one that really has you stressed. After thinking for a while, you realize you have a hard time letting go of the social pressure to keep up with the other kids. Your husband, on the other hand, spends less time with the other moms and kids. He doesn’t feel that same pressure. During the conversation, you ask him if he would be willing to take responsibility for researching potty-training methods. He could then decide what timing makes sense to start with your child. He agrees, and you feel relieved to be able to let go of that decision.

As our lives and needs are always changing, this is a cyclical process of communicating and helping each other. These questions are just the start of parental teamwork. We hope they help facilitate peaceful and productive conversations, so that you and your partner can find the best ways to work together.