Steps to Regulate Your Emotions in Tough Parenting Moments

Have you ever scrolled through the comments of a parenting social media post, surprised by how strongly people disagreed with the poster? The comments fly and the frustration seeps through, even though an unbiased eye might be shocked at how much tension a seemingly mundane decision can cause. Even outside of social media, you have probably found yourself in a conversation with a friend where you strongly disagreed on a parenting decision, and maybe you had a hard time staying charitable amidst all the emotions. Emotional experiences play a big role in our decision making process. 

As a result, emotional regulation skills are a key tool to overcoming decision fatigue and managing our own emotions when we hear parenting advice. We want to examine why parenting decisions can cause dysregulation, mindsets that work against regulation, and techniques that can help us remain the calm, patient parents we want to be. Rather than being triggered by others’ choices, we can be decisive and confident, able to find peace with the unique family life we’ve chosen. 

Why such emotional reactions? 

Emotional dysregulation can influence the way we personally make a decision or arise as a response to a decision someone else has made. Let’s start with some possible reasons behind the big emotions that can be associated with parenting decisions. 

1. Pressure to be perfect 

We love our children very much, and we want the best for them. At the same time, we feel pressure to be the perfect parent, one who makes all the “right” choices, feeds them the healthiest foods, and curates a schedule that provides enough socialization and activity but enough peaceful harmonious time at home. Taking the formula/breastfeeding debate for example, though, it’s easy to see that no decision is made in isolation. There are so many factors that contribute to whether formula or breastmilk is the right choice for YOUR family…availability of knowledge and support, the mother’s mental state, the labor and delivery experience, and so much more. In the end, the “right” decision for others may not be the right one for you, but the pressure to be perfect (whatever that means) is so strong.

2. Comparison 

Another place we can find ourselves is wishing our circumstances could be different. When we compare ourselves to other parents, it’s easy to become envious of how smoothly and easily they can make decisions that are difficult for you. Maybe you want to quit your job to stay home with your children for a few years, but it’s simply not possible right now with your family’s finances. Other moms might be able to make that choice without little concern for money. There are so many individual differences between families and different ways to approach making a decision. Constant comparison can leave us ungrateful, distracted from the present, and emotionally dysregulated. 

3. Stress and exhaustion 

At the same time, we have all experienced the negative effects of being stressed, tired, undernourished, or maybe all of those at the same time! It can be so difficult to manage our emotional response when our bodies are not feeling stable and healthy. Situations or comments that would normally not be a big deal suddenly trigger a huge response. If you often find yourself physically drained, you may want to start with taking care of your body so that you can process emotions more smoothly. Physical health can really influence our mental capacities, but sometimes we don’t realize we are feeling the negative consequences of our chronic stress or anxiety until the strong feelings hit us. 

How to regulate your emotional responses 

1. Take a deep breath 

While it’s natural to observe and learn from other parents, constant comparison and scrolling Instagram feeds can put us into a mindset of always wishing we had more. This leads to making excuses for our decisions and feeling justified in attacking others. Next time you feel frustration or anger at another parent, take a minute to try deep breathing and ask yourself what might be contributing to these negative emotions. It might be one of the factors above, or something unique to you. 

2. Be in the present moment 

Sometimes, our emotional state gets worse when we get too focused on other people’s decisions. To help yourself react in a healthy way, remember that the best you can do is be in the present moment with your own children. While there are so many decisions to be made as a parent, some of which you may feel strongly about, the only thing you can control is your own decisions. Remembering your priorities and using strategies to avoid the constant comparison cycle can be a good first step in helping yourself stay focused on the present. 

While hard work in the moment, this emotional self-regulation and recognition will help you understand your own feelings better, and it will help you maintain peace and calm with your children!