5 Positive Assumptions You Should Make about Parenting Advice from the Older Generation
“That’s not how things used to be.”
Have you heard this comment at any point in your parenting journey? Maybe it’s been your own parents, your in-laws, uncles, aunts, godparents, or older friends in your family’s life, reflecting back on what parenting decisions used to look like when they had young kids.
When it comes to integrating parenting advice from the generation above you into your decision making process, it can be difficult to view their comments as wisdom. Our tendency is often to dismiss their advice as outdated or irrelevant. While it is good to trust our own intuition, we can risk missing out on valuable wisdom, support or relationships by disregarding the input of those older than us. It may be true that their information is out of date, but that doesn’t mean there is nothing helpful in what they have to share!
Through our own parenting journeys, we’re learning to assume the best about the wisdom shared with us from the generation above us. Here are five positive assumptions we’ve found helpful to keep in mind when having these conversations. While it may be difficult in the moment, especially if we’re feeling insecure or unsure about a decision, we want to keep an open mind and cultivate a respect for how parenting decisions and resources have grown and changed through the generations.
1. Assume their intentions are good
First and foremost, start by assuming that they mean well. These parents whose time of raising babies and toddlers is long past are simply looking to share their wisdom or experiences with us – maybe sometimes to advise, but also sometimes just to empathize! Assuming that their input is given with a well-meaning heart can go a long way in helping us regulate our own emotions when we hear certain advice.
If we disagree with their comments or don’t want to hear their thoughts right now, there are many ways we could respond to close the conversation smoothly.
2. Assume they have an open mindset
Just because they haven’t heard the most recent guidelines or research about a particular parenting topic doesn’t necessarily mean they are against it. It can be easy to assume that because something has changed since they had a toddler, they must be opposed to that decision – when in reality they’re just not staying up to date on research about toddlers (because why would they?). As these decisions don’t affect them anymore, since they are past the season of making them, they are often interested in hearing what is new. Instead of immediately jumping to the conclusion that they are judging your decision, share what you’ve learned with them. They may have something insightful to say, or be interested in learning themselves, especially if they have grandkids or nieces and nephews.
On the flip side, don’t assume that you know everything, either. Many grandparents are more up to date on modern parenting trends than we might give them credit for, especially if they are involved in helping with child care or are still raising teenagers of their own. If we approach the conversation with an open mind, we may learn something that we didn’t know ourselves!
For more ideas on how to communicate your parenting preferences and decisions to grandparents or other caregivers, check out this post.
3. Assume they have something valuable to offer
This one starts by assuming that they are, in fact, wise! It’s easy to see opinions from our parents or in-laws as unwanted or annoying. Instead, try reframing your mindset to consider that they did raise children well – you or your spouse! – and they probably did learn some helpful things along the way. At the very least, they sympathize with the joys and struggles of parenting. For example, I’ve been asked many times “is he a good sleeper?” – obviously the challenges of baby sleep are not new to modern parents!
Giving due credit to the decisions they made and the process they used can be worthwhile. Even if you’re not using the same resource or arriving at the same outcome, maybe you can learn something valuable about how to approach the process. While you may not agree with their opinion or want to try something they suggest, it doesn’t usually do much harm to listen to what they have to share. Maybe you’ll be surprised, or maybe it will simply be positive for your relationship with that person.
4. Assume they have self-confidence
One temptation when talking with parents from the generation above you is to think that if you don’t do something the way they did, they’ll be offended. This can be especially true for your own parents or in-laws. So because we’re afraid of making a different decision, we don’t ask for their wisdom at all. But in the same way that you are today, they did what they thought was the best thing for their child with the information that they had!
Instead, try communicating aspects of your decision making process, and ask what theirs was like. Assume they are happy with the parenting decisions that they made, and not that they are full of regrets or will feel offended. If they do wish they had made a different decision, maybe they will be willing to share what they learned with you and you can gain some valuable insight. Commenting on the things that are relevant or pointing out the common ground can both help you see the good in what they did, and share what you’re doing more confidently.
Also, because they are past the parenting stage that we are currently in, they likely have forgotten many of the details. And they likely don’t need your validation for these long gone decisions. They’re just reminiscing on the time when they were in the trenches with little ones like you! Their bigger picture perspective can remind us of our own broader priorities in loving and caring for our child.
5. Assume they trust you as a parent
Along similar lines, another tendency is to assume that they think we are bad parents or that we’re making the wrong decisions. This can also deter us from asking their wisdom, as we are afraid of being judged or corrected. Instead, try assuming that they trust your parenting decisions and believe in you. Even though you’re doing things differently than they “used to be”, our parents and others in the generation above us are often just looking to support us in being the best parents we can.
And if you don’t agree with their advice, it’s perfectly fine to set it aside. Take what is useful and leave what isn’t. Read our post about responding to parenting advice that you disagree with for more tips.
This also provides the opportunity to grow in trusting yourself as a parent! Building confidence in your own decisions is so difficult yet so important. No matter what resources you use, who is in your village, or how you ultimately make each particular decision, you are doing your best with the information that you have, just like every generation before!
