It Takes a Village To Make the Best Parenting Decisions

We’ve all heard the phrase “It takes a village to raise a child.” It hearkens back to a simpler age when kids roamed the neighborhood with their friends, and aunts, uncles, grandparents, and other family played a significant role in children’s lives. Although village parenting looks much different for modern parents, we all still have our go-to people when questions come up. Who is in your parental support system? How have our reliable experts changed and how do we incorporate them into our parenting decisions?

Our grandma raised her boys in the late 1960’s to 1970’s. From what she’s shared with us, her fellow moms read Dr. Spock’s books and asked their moms, sisters, and neighbors for advice. There was much less information available, more real-life interactions, and less over-analyzing of decisions. Today it’s much easier to find answers to our questions, but our decisions are also influenced by a wider variety of voices.

Peer Friends

Today we see so much polarization around parenting topics, which makes them difficult to bring up to peers and friends. For example, if you are struggling with your baby’s sleep, your mom friends may have strong opinions on whether you should sleep train them or not. And if your friend group is still early in motherhood, they have limited personal experience that informs that opinion. The techniques they tried with their own child might have worked simply due to their child’s personality and a million other factors. They also may have a different parenting style. When our village consists mainly of friends in a similar life stage, especially as a new parent, it can be difficult to find big-picture perspective and the wisdom that comes with age and experience.

If you find a group of close friends who think similarly to you about the parenting decisions that are a high priority for you, you will be able to share more openly. While this type of village is a supportive community and minimizes judgment, arguments, and exhausting harshness, it also puts you in an echo chamber. You will only hear what you want to hear, and your decisions will probably be heavily influenced by what your peers are choosing. It may prevent you from thinking about decisions in creative ways, and it may force you to compromise your beliefs to fit in with the group.

Mentors

Parents that are slightly further in their parenting journey can be great mentors and a very helpful part of your village. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone who has already been through your current parenting stage (several times), and who can encourage you that the tough seasons are temporary. They may be more aware of modern parenting concerns and have already made decisions you are making. They can warn you about mistakes they regret. Unfortunately, these mentors can be difficult to find. If you don’t have older siblings, try looking in your church community, your child’s school, or playgroups.

Generations Above You

The center of your village may be the generation or two above you – your parents, in-laws, grandparents, aunts, uncles, or godparents. They can provide valuable perspective for your decision making, and they are often less biased by current parenting trends. They also typically love and care about your child, and if they help you with child care, they know them better than a friend usually would. Unfortunately, today’s parent often lives geographically far from their extended family. It is still easy to call up your mom to ask a question, but she will have a harder time giving an opinion on whether to take your baby to urgent care based on a video call.

Also, there is currently a lot of messaging around trauma from how we were parented, which affects our tendency to ask our parents or other family members for advice. It’s easy to think that their opinion is outdated, not based on the latest research, or not realistic for today’s parent. But you might be surprised with some good suggestions if you put aside these concerns and just ask and listen. Babies haven’t changed much over the generations. Your parents may have had different priorities than you, but that doesn’t make all their advice invalid. How can you take the good and leave what doesn’t help?

Online Communities

Some parents may find connection to like-minded parents through online groups or social media. These groups may be exclusively online, or they may be a way to connect parents geographically to facilitate meeting in person. Facebook groups around shared parenting priorities can be a good place to start (although beware of the echo-chamber we talked about earlier). Some examples could be natural/holistic parenting, working moms, Christian moms, or homemakers. Outside of Facebook, many parenting resource platforms host communities that you can join (often for a membership fee). These can be great for crowdsourcing questions you have – you’ll get lots of opinions and new connections!

For geographical online groups, you could try your local La Leche League group, the organization that hosted your childbirth or newborn care class, or community groups connected with your hospital, birth center, or midwife. If you have a local friend or mentor, ask them if they are part of any groups that might be helpful to you. These online groups may be able to connect you with community events or other local resources.

While the Internet brings so many opportunities for connection with new people you probably wouldn’t otherwise meet, it has its downsides. It can contribute to loneliness, since the connection is through a screen, and it can fuel comparison to other parents. When we are trying to make decisions, we may be overloaded with the sheer volume of voices and answers. Online parts of our village require a little more self-awareness and intentionality.

Who’s in Your Village?

Here are a few questions to think about as you consider your current parenting village and its effectiveness:

• Who in your own village is most influential in your decision making? Are they helping you become the best parent you can be?
• What do you appreciate about your circle of friends and fellow parents? What types of questions do you tend to ask them?
• Do you have any mentors? Would you benefit from seeking some out?
• How do you interact with the generation above you? Do you focus on what they might have done wrong, or do you look for how they can help?
• Are you satisfied with your balance of real-life and online influences in your parenting? What online groups have been most beneficial?
• In the most recent few decisions you’ve made, who did you consult? Was that effective, or should you ask someone else next time?