Crunchy, Silky, or Scrunchy Parenting: What’s Right for You?

If you’re newer to the world of the parenting internet, or don’t have many other friends with kids, you may not have heard the term “crunchy mom”. It likely originated from the sound of eating granola, which is usually connected to a hippie lifestyle. Other similar descriptors are “holistic parenting” or “natural parenting.” These refer to parents who prioritize a natural, non-toxic lifestyle in their family decision-making. The opposite is typically called “silky parenting” and prioritizes modern convenience and modern medicine. More recently, a third category has emerged as a middle ground – “scrunchy parenting.”

Stereotypically, crunchy parents prioritize natural remedies, unmedicated/natural birth, breastfeeding, co-sleeping or a family bed, cloth diapers, baby wearing, essential oils, limited screen time, and organic foods. Silky parents, on the other hand, tend towards hospital birth, bottle feeding, separate sleep spaces and/or sleep training, and utilizing modern products like disposable diapers. We don’t agree with putting parents in boxes like these, but we wanted to give you a flavor of the terms and what you might encounter in parenting circles.

As we have wrestled with these categories ourselves over the past several years, we wanted to dig into a healthy and nuanced approach. First, let’s address a few traps that can muddy our decision making.

Mental Traps We Can Fall Into

#1: Allowing Fear and Powerful Marketing to Drive Decisions

Are you making choices for your family based on fear? You can find hundreds of potentially toxic things to worry about, but is that the healthiest way to make decisions? Is Internet research helping you feel empowered, or making you anxious about every little thing that your children encounter? While the modern world is full of unnatural toxins, we need to examine our emotional response to be able to research and make decisions without fear.

Our emotions may also be heavily influenced by marketing. If you look closely, are you being sold a product? It may seem like someone is simply passing on tips or knowledge, but there is usually money involved and an incentive to purchase. Resist the temptation to splurge on something in hopes it will make you feel like a better parent.

#2: Believing It’s All or Nothing

The terms “crunchy mom,” “silky mom,” and “scrunchy mom” imply that you have to fit into one of these boxes. As we talked about in our post on parenting labels, it’s important to recognize when these categories are hurting our decision making. In reality, we are probably all “scrunchy” parents. There is no way to be able to stick perfectly to the stereotypes we described above. And just because you made one decision doesn’t mean you are locked into a whole menu of other decisions. For example, if both parents are working full time, it doesn’t mean you have to be “silky”. You may just need to be more strategic with your time if natural living or holistic choices are important to you.

You also need to be realistic about your season of life. Right now, you may not be a place to worry about what kind of shampoo your baby uses, or whether to make all your own baby food. You may be stretched thin and feeling some mom burnout. The last thing you need is to feel guilty about yet another decision. If so, take a deep breath and remember that everything is temporary. Your children will grow and change, and pretty soon you will have more bandwidth to be able to research or do the things you want to do. There’s nothing wrong with choosing disposable diapers right now and switching to cloth if it’s important to you when you have capacity.

#3: Judging Other Parents Harshly

When you have strong opinions on the decisions you made for your children, it is so easy to assume that other parents should make the same choice. We jump to judging other parents as weird and crazy. Maybe you think it is strange that your crunchy mama friend is still breastfeeding her two year old. Or you can’t believe your colleague would put her child in daycare. Of course, I’ve often totally changed my mind on things I judged others for, months or years later.

Let’s take a step back from our own opinions and really listen to our friends. Ask them more about their choices out of curiosity, to learn and understand. Close the social media app rather than post a judgmental comment. Be willing to befriend a mom who thinks differently, even if it’s harder to find common ground.

For more on this, check out our posts on emotional regulation and best responses when you disagree with someone on a parenting topic.

#4: Placing Our Identity in Our Parenting

Many parenting decisions take a lot of work. For example, if you choose to exclusively breastfeed, it will be hundreds or even thousands of hours of your life. It’s important to recognize this time and effort, but it’s equally important not to place your personal identity in them. In the end, we can do our best to help our children flourish, but they may fumble along the way. It is dangerous to define ourselves by any of our parenting decisions (“stay-at-home mom”, “working mom”, “holistic mom”, “nursing mom” or any others).

Now that we’ve addressed these detrimental thoughts, let’s talk about a healthy and nuanced mindset.

How to Find Your Level of Scrunchiness

First, define your priorities, in collaboration with the other parent if applicable. How do you value natural options versus convenience? Often the two are at odds, and you need to decide how much time and energy you want to spend. You may have higher priorities that take time away from researching every natural option, and that may be the right choice for your family right now. Or maybe you need better time management in order to have space to pursue a healthier lifestyle.

Be confident in your decisions, but encourage other parents to make the choice that’s right for them, rather than projecting your circumstances onto them. They might just need a listening ear, rather than a lecture of your own advice.

Don’t be afraid to change your mind. We can get stuck putting ourselves in one of these boxes, not allowing ourselves to listen to another perspective. Often we will make different choices with the second or third child compared to the first, simply because we know more and are more self-aware of our parenting styles.

In the end, these labels don’t matter. Try to ignore the noise and observe your own family. What do they need? How can you balance all the constraints without caring what other people think? Your child won’t remember if they had a crunchy or silky mom. They will remember your peace and intentionality.