How Parenting Labels Can Hurt Our Decision Making

As I sat down to write this, I googled “parenting labels 2024”. It turns out that there are even more than I expected! Your parenting style could be lawnmower parent, elephant parent, tiger parent, dolphin parent, attachment parent, helicopter parent, hummingbird parent, lighthouse parent, or free range parent. Psychologists use four broad categories for parenting style: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and uninvolved. Other labels describe how parents discipline their children (conscious parenting, respectful parenting, gentle parenting, authoritative parenting, permissive parenting, responsive parenting, positive parenting). You’re also probably familiar with the terms “crunchy”, “silky”, and “scrunchy” if you’ve spent any time in groups of moms. There are lots of labels to describe the kind of parent you are or want to be.

Why are we so drawn to labels and groups? 

It’s tempting to think that if we just find the perfect style/label, and then stick to it correctly, we will be the perfect parent. Today’s parents often feel under pressure to be the best. Social media fuels comparison, as we look at other parents online and think they never lose their calm with their children. (See our previous post on comparison). The other parents seem to easily make decisions, have amazing relationships with their kids, and crush side hustles and hobbies. Of course, our impressions are usually not the full picture of reality. But they can drive us to search for the perfect solution to solve all our problems, often through a group or label.

Another factor is our tendency as human beings to search for community. We look for friends with similar values and interests, finding validation that we are not the only ones making certain decisions. It’s helpful to learn from these friends, and we don’t have to explain ourselves. 

But at the same time, being part of a group can make it difficult to make a different decision than the rest of that group. For example, consider the decision to stay home with your children or continue to work a job outside the home. If all of your friends are full-time homemakers, it would be incredibly difficult to be the working mom who couldn’t meet up at the park on random weekday mornings, even if working is the right choice for your family right now.

As another example, a mom who highly values attachment parenting might struggle with guilt over not co-sleeping, even if it isn’t working for their family. A mom in a sleep-training group would feel guilty for letting her baby fall asleep nursing. You get the point. Once we start to categorize ourselves as a certain type of parent, there is an expectation to always make the same decisions as the rest of that group. We place part of our identity in the labels, so we have a hard time breaking out of that identity to make our own decision. We may also notice the social media algorithm feeding us more and more of the same content, so we never see perspectives from moms who do things differently.

Ditch the Parenting Labels & Make Intentional Choices

As new parents, we all have to find our groove and the unique version of parenting that fits us. The way we interact with our children plays a vital role in how much we enjoy our time with them, and it has lasting effects on how loved they feel. We each have a unique personality and set of characteristics that contribute to how we parent. We can then build off these natural strengths and weaknesses to find the right approach for parenting each of our own children. In addition to our unique style, we also combine it with our parenting partner and their style (see our post on parenting teamwork for tips). 

With this individuality in mind, we can confidently make our own decisions based on what’s right for us, rather than seeking the validation of a group. Parenting trends come and go, and the popular parenting style might be on its way out tomorrow. 

Instead of siloing yourself into one of these labels, try one of these suggestions:

• Practice listening to others without jumping to your own experiences and opinions.
• Try not to label other parents, either with positive or negative labels.
• Question those who imply that their method is the best and only way.
• Observe your child’s needs, personality, and motivations, so that you can find a smooth way to work with them and meet those needs.
• When you need to make a decision that is different from those who are similar to you, acknowledge that it’s hard. Then remind yourself why you are confident that it’s the right choice for your family.

The process of learning to make intentional, confident decisions is hard! We are still figuring it out ourselves, and sometimes it seems easier to just do what everyone else is doing. Fortunately, it seems to get easier with practice, and each decision builds mental and emotional muscle. Let go of the labels and allow yourself to love your child in your unique way.