9 Tips for Communicating Decisions to Grandparents & Other Caregivers

No matter how much time we spend with our children, we aren’t going to be with them 100% of their life. Other caring adults also play an important role in raising them and forming their character. Thinking back to your own childhood, you may have fond memories of a favorite aunt, grandparent, or babysitter. Family, friends, day care providers, and babysitters don’t do things the same way we do, but our children benefit so much from their generous sharing of wisdom and skills. How do we share our parenting decisions with these other caregivers so they can help us raise our child well? Sometimes these conversations or relationships become tense, but how can we prepare for them and mitigate that tension?

Let’s start with one practical example: tension over gifts. Grandparents want to shower their grandchildren with Christmas or birthday gifts, but parents become frustrated when the multitude of toys ends up cluttering the house or being thrown away. Or your siblings insist on gifting their nieces or nephews the most obnoxious toys that make you want to pull your ears off. If you’ve made a decision to live more simply with less stuff, this can be a frustrating situation for everyone. It’s a time when proactive, effective communication between parents and other caregivers is important and often difficult.

We have nine suggestions for how to share your parenting decisions with others who take care of your child:

Start by remembering that they care! Often parents can become frustrated at their own parents for offering lots of advice or criticism, but try to step back from the situation and see it from their perspective. Grandparents usually love their grandchildren, have good intentions, and want the best for them. If they didn’t, they probably wouldn’t want to be involved in their grandchild’s life, and they wouldn’t bother bringing up concerns.
Make sure you know which of your decisions are high priorities for you. If something is lower on the priority list, it’s probably not worth making a big deal out of. What are your non-negotiables? Be honest with yourself! If you are constantly bothered by a caregiver not following your guidance on something, it might be a higher priority than you originally thought! Maybe you didn’t think you cared about how your sister-in-law responded to toddlers’ fighting over toys, but you feel unsettled about it whenever you are at her house. This may be a higher priority topic for you than you initially decided.
Consider how much time this caregiver spends with your child. If it’s usually short or not often, it might not even be worth addressing a certain boundary. For example, our typical screen time rules are much more relaxed at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. Our children don’t seem to have a problem understanding that the rules are different, and they can enjoy spending time watching that favorite show with their grandparents. They are there once or twice a week, not every day.
Instead of looking for what other caregivers are doing wrong, try finding opportunities to ask for their advice. Ask what they noticed about your child, if they have any ideas for how to handle a recent tough situation, or how they would make a certain decision you need to make. By asking for their opinion, you show them that you value their intuition and different perspectives. This builds the relationship and allows you to have more fruitful conversations when tensions do rise.
Thank them for their relationship with your child and for supporting you in your parenting. They make up your (and your child’s) “village”, and they are willing to give their time and energy to help you. You could also share some of the reasons why you appreciate them. For grandparents, thank them for parenting you and express how having your own kids has made you grateful to them.
When you do need to communicate a certain decision or boundary, don’t assume others know your thought process. It may help to start by expressing how important this decision is to you and your kids, explaining why it is such a high priority. Then, you can share how you reached the decision you did. Preferably, you can have this conversation before the situation comes up, rather than afterwards when everyone is feeling emotional or personally attacked. For example, let’s say that you feel strongly about not interrupting your child while they are focused on something. When a new babysitter comes to your home, offer that guidance clearly before leaving. You could share why you want to build their focus and how they have responded more positively after you implemented this. It’s much easier to have the conversation up front, rather than hearing the babysitter interrupting your child and then having to bring it up as a correction.
If the other caregiver disagrees with your decision, ask them why and try to understand their thought process. They might have some great points you haven’t thought of, or they may be more objective in their evaluation of your child than you are. They also may have more experience with children and be able to warn you of potential downsides to the decision.
Tailor your explanation to the person you’re speaking with, as much as you can. If they like reading evidence or studies, offer to send those. If they prefer to hear about how the decision worked for another family, share that example for them. Parents have different learning styles and decision-making priorities, and so do other caregivers!
If boundaries continue to be crossed, especially for your high priority decisions, think about whether you can creatively find a solution that works for everyone. In the earlier example of Christmas gifts, can you proactively ask for an “experience” gift (membership to a museum, state park pass, local pool punch card, etc)? Or suggest taking the whole family to a baseball game or a favorite restaurant? Maybe the gift giver can even take the child on a special day out, creating memories with them. If they are not interested in any of these, try making a list of ten items you want or need and suggesting those. If all else fails and important boundaries are still crossed, you may need to re-evaluate how much time your child spends with that family member, friend, or other caregiver.

Intentionally and proactively communicating your non-negotiables is key to smooth relationships with others who care for your child. If you are making parenting decisions that are significantly different from family and friends, you will probably encounter some tension, but try these tips! Ask questions to understand the other person’s perspective, and remember that they care about you and your child.